Z to the W

I have been called the King of the jungle and the Heavyweight champion of the world.

I’ve been told I was bigger than the Beatles when they were bigger than Jesus.

I once beat Jack Bauer, Mr. T, and Hercules at the same time in an arm wrestle using my only 

left hand while painting an exact copy of the Sistine chapel ceiling with my right hand while riding a unicycle.

I taught Einstein everything he knew.

Don Corleone offered me a deal I could not refuse. I refused it. Then I offered him a deal he 

couldn’t refuse. He immediately accepted.

I set the luge speed record without a board wearing only a headband and flip flops. I came away unscathed.

I donated my right foot to Pele. I then quickly re-grew a far superior foot.
Rolling Stones Magazine rated my rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ the greatest song of all time. While my rendition of ‘Have a Happy Happy Anniversary’ place a disappointing 4th.

All James Bond, Rambo, and Clint Eastwood movies are based on my years as a toddler.
The Dos Equis World’s Most Interesting Man is also an under-exaggerated account of my first day in school.

I shower in Niagara Falls every morning. I follow up this tradition by drying my hair with an airplane engine.

I have graduated from every Ivy League school in America.

I once climbed Mount Everest without any equipment in a record two and a half hours. 

My shirpa couldn’t handle the climb so I carried him on my back the whole way.

I taught the Pope how to speak Latin.

As swimming in water is too easy I swim in lakes of lava.

Vibe magazine has named me the best rapper alive and I don’t even rap.

I invented horseback riding.

The movie 300 was based on my time in the womb. Except there was only one of me and millions of them and I won.

I kicked Chuck Norris in the face, the result, his beard.

I created Adam with my rib.

I sweat pure gold and bleed fire hotter than 1 000 suns.

I out golfed Tiger Woods at his best using a twisty straw as my only club and a marble as my ball.

I am more powerful than the Tsar Bomba

I beat Usain Bolt’s 100 meter dash record while dragging the Swedish competitive tanning team on my back.

I am Zach Wortzman and I am your Vice President.